Living Like You're Single...

.... when you're really not.

re•la•tion•ship (noun)

1.a connection, association, or involvement.

2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.

3. an emotional or other connection between people

Dictionary.com

According the London Metro a couple of weeks ago: "those suffering from insomnia are 4 times more likely to have relationship problems"

I tweeted this and started an interesting discussion about the symptoms of relationship issues. One of my followers @stoosh69 (well worth of follow if you’re not easily offended) countered my assertion that insomnia did in fact make you ratty and a horrible person and that the stat was in itself true. She raised the point that striking out at your significant other was in fact a symptom of other underlying issues in the relationship. 

Food for thought…

So, I’ve been thinking about what it means to truly be in a deep relationship with and some of the things that I expected to see in a strong, relatively issue free relationship. So come with me... When as a little boy/ girl you lay in bed dreaming about ‘the One’ like in the movies – what were the things that s/he did or didn’t do? Here are some of mine:

1)S/he shares what is going on with them

I didn’t expect there to be a psychic connection (well actually I did but I was soon cured of that – Damn you reality!) but I did have the expectation that I would know what was going on in my significant others life. So that doesn’t mean having a shared diary or calendar but it does mean knowing the big things – Parents going to hospital, interviewing for a new job, being unavailable for a period of time because they needed to get their head down. The whole keeping it all to yourself and mysterious is for the birds. I would go as far as to say if you want to keep everything in your life under lock and key and you have a problem with the idea and the need to share- ask yourself why are you in a relationship? For me – it is one of the differences between something very casual and not.

2) S/he shares your stress

I give great hugs. And hugs and just having someone to soundboard things off are a great comfort to me. The whole idea of sharing stress isn’t for everyone I appreciate. Why on earth would you want to share your stress with your partner? I would say this, for me the great people in my life have been like an Oasis in the midst of a desert. Your partner is probably one of the closest people to you – they know your behaviours and they know when something is going on with you. Stress has a tendency to just leak out. You may think that you are holding it and hiding it but it will impact your partner. As the stat at the top of this post stated those closest to you suffer the most in stressful situations: share the load – I don’t think you have to do it alone. Better a controlled flow than a massive explosion.

3) S/he or he learns to be more flexible

I’m strong willed (read stubborn) but never dreamed of a being with a pushover…but then nor did I dream of being with someone who liked to say no to everything I wanted just for the sake of it. When I am single I can go where I want, come and go as I please and do what they heck I please and my view is ALWAYS the one that count…. I could still do all of the above when in a deep relationship I’m sure but there is a key difference and that is one of impact. In a relationship, it isn’t just about you and what you want anymore – your behaviour impacts more than just you. It’s about what works for both of you. Sometimes you get your way – sometimes your partner gets their way…sometimes you compromise but having the attitude of ‘my way or the high way’ or someone having to completely lose themselves to work for you can’t be healthy.

4) S/he is warm and passionate and we laughed together

I cannot go on about the importance (for me) of passion and affection enough…so I won’t anymore. I will just point you to here and here.

5)S/he doesn’t assume things

Assumptions make….. nuff said :)

6) S/he takes ownership for his/her behaviour

Mr ‘THR' that I dreamt of as a girl was strong and dependable and made great decisions…but when his decisions weren’t so great we dealt with them together. In practice, this means not always blaming the other person for everything that goes wrong. This means not holding onto old grudges and throwing in mention of that thing that happened months ago that you had supposedly forgiven him/her for. That also means not assigning inferences and being open in your discussions with people. And it means being honest. Because honesty with yourself and with that other person was essential and key.

So as I said, I had (still have) loads of ideas and dreams and wishes. Time and reality has refined them but I do know this: forming a really deep relationship is hard. So hard in fact that for some it isn’t worth bothering – so you have to be sure that you both of you have the same goals and focus and that you really, really want to be with that one person. It means not acting in the same way that you did when you’re single…because if you want to act like you are single – you should stay single. Because taking into account the feelings or assessing the impact on a person who is other than yourself becomes increasingly different with the passing of time and circumstance.

Keep Going!

THR

Your thoughts? What do you do/not do in a 'solid' relationship?

You picked them - stop moaning!

“So what happened with that guy you were dating…you know, James?” She leans in expectantly, hoping to hear the latest gossip.

“Oh he turned out to be just like Paul…and David…oh and like that other bloke, whatshisname….he was a complete and utter self-centred b*stard. But totally gorgeous though…..but I could do so much better, you know. Someone who is nice to me…someone who really values me and doesn’t try to change me you know?”

*sigh*

How often do you hear this? Or some variation of this? Or how often do you find yourself spouting something similar. Moaning and complaining about people who at one point you have chosen to spend your time, your energy and your resources on. In the post breakup period when you’re busy regaling your friends with the sordid details and telling them how lucky you were to have escaped the horrid person’s clutches a few key details are often overlooked.

I have news for you. When you are done with slating all those people that you used to date – highlighting the many and multiple faults and character flaws that they had do you ever stop to assess the role you played in the situation? Do you ever stop and consider the fact that with all the bitchy women/ emotionally unavailable men that you have been with that there has been a recurring theme and an absolute constant? And that constant has been you. You may not have been the architect of their flaws or the causes of their insecurities but you picked them. You allowed them into your life and whether it was for a long time or a short you chose to be with them.

There’s this man that I used to know, he would regale me with tales of how awful every single one of his ex-girlfriends were: some were petty, some were condescending, some were complete and utter bitches but he was consistently glad to have been out of those situations. I empathised at first but over time I came to wonder – what role had he played in those situations? Because the consistent dialogue was of him always having done his best for them and them not appreciating it.

We are ALL guilty of having picked badly in the past (and I speak as one of those people) but the key is:

• learning the lessons that you need to learn from that previous relationship

• working through any issues that were raised and problems that became apparent

• And not repeat the same mistakes by picking the same kind of people

If you have a type and your type always takes your kindness for granted, or cheats on you or doesn’t ever manage to give you their full time and focus…guess what? You haven’t learnt that lesson that you clearly need to learn yet. And you maybe need to think more about who you choose to be with. And learning a life lesson is NEVER easy, and it hurts and it is painful. But being accountable and understanding the role you played in a situation is essential!! It is a great feeling being able to stand up, breathe the fresh air and say- “This situation will never happen again” and mean and know it because you have learned and understood yourself a bit better. Think about who you choose, think about how you’ve behaved in the past and do better and pick better for yourself because if you are putting out your best you deserve the best back.

Keep Going!

#THR

Your Thoughts?

Katy got married

She wasn’t exactly the nicest person when I knew her.

Tall, beautiful and popular but not nice …at all. In fact, inconsiderate, bitchy and self-centred would have been more accurate characteristics to ascribe to her. She had that whole mean girls thing going on. Like a character from the movie – she was revered and feared in equal measure by men and women young and old but she wasn’t loved…not really loved. After years and years of observing her with a procession of hunky short term ‘boyfriends’ I had kind of assigned her to the fabulous but permanently single heap. So it was rather a shock when having lost contact with her for a number of years that I got notification that she had got married.

What? Katy got married? Dang!! To who?? (I know that sounds REALLY horrible but just being honest folks).

I was baffled! So when she invited me for a catch-up I went along (I am ashamed to say) more out of curiosity than any genuine need or requirement to pick up our acquaintance. Text messages were exchanged plans were made and then the wait began.

The appointed time arrived. I was sat waiting in a coffee shop – she was late as always (“same old inconsiderate Katy”…went the internal dialogue). I nervously adjusted my dress, checked my makeup and went back to playing with my phone. Ten minutes later I was greeted by a “_____, darling! How are you!! This is my husband____”. And there she was in her respondent 30 something year old glory – thin, beautiful and as perfect as she has always been. My heart sank….

I had done her a disservice. I then went on to spend what turned out to be a really pleasant hour with her and her husband. It was a revelation. Here’s the thing – my point, which I have taken a long time getting to: call it age, call it loving someone as much or more than yourself , call it a combination of the two with some other life events thrown in for good measure but something had really mellowed her. Gone was the catty, shallow woman that I had known for years and here was this woman who was so comfortable in or her own skin and completely in love with a guy who was obviously deeply in love with her. It gave me hope: if one of the formerly most self-centred people I have ever known could be transformed by love – real love – then so could any and all of us be.

It also made me think about how I viewed her and how I have myself behaved in the past (self -knowledge being the start of wisdom and all that.). While I certainly wasn’t in mean girl territory I definitely haven’t always been easy to work with, live with or to love. Katy and I were never friends – we were acquainted though and on some level we connected. I try not to regret anything – regret is something that I choose not to beat myself up with these days (there are enough external sources out there who are happy to beat you up for other things) but it does cause me to pause and think about doing better while maintaining the essence of me – the me that is funny, image conscious, stubborn, and sarcastic but that deep down really loves to connect with people. Katy is still there – mellowed yes. But she is still there. And her husband adores her…flaws,beauty,  character quirks and all.

One day I will have that kind of love for myself.

All the best Katy xx

Keep Going!

#THR

Your thoughts?

Seeing how it goes

They had been dating about five months when it happened. They had just finished a very pleasant dinner and were strolling down the street together towards the tube station. Joe had his hands shoved in his pockets as they usually were (he didn’t do PDAs as he said they were a false declaration to society about their private interactions) and so Marie’s hands were also in her pockets – mirroring Joe. They walked along in amiable silence, suddenly there was a loud screech, a call of Joe’s name and an energetic teen girl came comes bounding across to the street towards them. “ OMG Joe how are you? Haven’t seen you for ages…how are you? How’s mum? How’s the family….oh, who’s this?” the girl asked innocently suddenly realising that Marie was there. Joe seemed to remember too, hesitated and then said “ Oh yeah, this is my.. friend, Marie”. What? Marie inhaled sharply. Friend? Joe glanced at Marie’s face and then turned back to the teen girl “We’re seeing how it goes at the moment, you know?”

Marie hadn’t known that was the case but sure as heck did now.

“ We are Seeing how it goes” Is it a positive thing in a relationship – allowing you to be free of expectation and promises? Or is it a death knell on a budding relationship – indicating a lack of focus and commitment? Ask a number of people what it means and how they would feel if it was said to them and you get a wildly different range of responses varying from :

“It’s non committal”

“Nothing to worry about, they genuinely don’t know – would you prefer someone to lie?”

“It just means the person wants to take it slow”

“S/he just isn’t that in to you”

“S/he doesn’t see anything long term in being with you”

“It’s a good way of hedging your bets”

For me, it’s a term that I can only describe as highly ambiguous: highly influenced by the time that you have been in the relationship, how other people who have used that phrase with you have behaved in the past and how you certain and secure you feel within the relationship. Hearing “Let’s see how it goes” shouldn’t be an issue if you have been out for just a couple of days but probably should if you were together for a number of months and had felt that you were in a committed relationship.

Ultimately, I think ‘seeeing how it goes’ is only negative in light of your perception of it. For me, I don’t date to pass the time – I date with a purpose – I personally have never one to be one to hang out with people who would fall into the “know way, no how category£ when it came to a future together. So for me, the utterance of the word ‘ seeing how it goes’ does not in itself presuppose an outcome BUT it presents a bit of a get out clause or a lack of focus or commitment. After all, you are in a loving , committed, exclusive relationship or you are not…what works for you? I think the bigger issue comes from when one party thinks that they ‘re working towards a common goal and the other party is ‘just hanging out’…feelings will get hurt and egos will be bruised. In all your dealings with people it is just so important that you are clear and honest about what you want – having one foot in and one foot out of the relationship is a waste of your time and the other parties.

Using the example above…In my opinion, Marie should read the blooming obvious and head for the hills…his friend? His seeing how it goes? She needs to see herself out of there and fast. He isn’t scared, he isn’t seeking to not get into something serious…he’s just not seeking to get into something serious with her.

Keep Going!

THR

Your thoughts?

Putting away the fakery?

When I was 18 I needed a job that would fit in with my university life and schedule (which was mainly centred on clothes, shoes and hanging with my friends).  Regular retail wasn’t going to cut it.  So when the opportunity to work as one of those beauty hall girls arose (getting a smart blue suit and a 66 % discount of the company’s product) I jumped at the chance.  There was one small draw back: makeup, full makeup was mandatory.  Now at the time I never wore anything more than mascara - I was the sort of girl that random people would stop on the street to ask what I used on my skin.  I’d roll my eyes and answer (truthfully) “nothing”.  The person doing the asking would look confused and then respond with “well, you must drink masses of water then”. … “Hah, thanks…no” would be my response.  Sadly those days are long gone and I have to drink masses of water and use all sorts of potions on my skin now …but I digress.  So anyway, a full face of makeup became the norm – we were drilled on how it protected the skin from the elements and how it enhanced what was already there.  And as time went on and I became more used to and proficient at adopting the ‘natural’ (i.e. doing your makeup in such a way that it looked like you weren’t wearing any makeup) made up look it began to feel… normal.

So, we are years on.

I no longer wear a full face of makeup unless I am going out - mascara and face powder works for perfectly fine for me.  But there is something else that is new:  attacks on women and how they choose to look seem to now be de rigeur.  Women are now decried regularly for being ‘too fake’ – and there is now a pronounced movement for us all going ‘natural’. By force if necessary.   The rallying cry of some men and women – slating other women for their beauty choices is a constant: cast away your hair extensions, cast away your padded bras, fake eyelashes, and cast away your foundation, concealer and mascara!! 

And yet, in the cases of some of these men – they are the same ones who point to actresses , models and other women (who don’t look like your average girl next door and sure as heck have some help in looking fabulous) an hold them up as an ideal.  And then you have some of the women busy slating others who quite frankly have no right to.

I am all for appreciating what God gave me…appreciation of this doesn’t mean that I should or must behave or present in a particular way.  And I do believe that we as a a society are overly influenced and treat people differently based on looks.  I know it – I don’t deny it.   All this aside, people will also always find a reason to want to present themselves in a certain light – be it for reasons of self-esteem, skin issues, vanity…whatever.  In my time as one of those painted beauty hall girls I saw all sorts – people who had scars internal and external.  And if a little bit or a lot a bit of fakery makes them feel better about themselves – then you know what, I am all for it.  Point is – who told you that it was OK to try to bring other people down because of how they choose to look?  Men/ women – if you don’t like fakery – you don’t have to deal with it! Choose someone else to be friends / be in a relationship with.  Quite frankly, while one man’s meat is another man’s poison – you like what you like and you like and you dislike what you dislike.  Someone isn’t any better a person or a human being because they chose not to whiten their teeth or slap on some makeup.  There are enough big issues in the world for you to focus on other soapbox items.

Keep Going!

#THR

Your thoughts?